


Loss of Life

by ThatOneGreyGhost



Category: MCU, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, Bucky Barnes Needs a Hug, Gen, I have no excuses, I literally have no excuse, No one gets a happy ending, Steve Dies, Steve Rogers Feels, Trigger warning: character death, Trigger warning: very slow and painful death, literally this whole fic is pain, major angst, soooooo much angst, steve loses the serum, stucky feels
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-13
Updated: 2021-03-13
Packaged: 2021-03-20 18:49:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,570
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30009363
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatOneGreyGhost/pseuds/ThatOneGreyGhost
Summary: When Steve got the serum, he saw it as a wonder-drug; it fixed him, made him stronger, gave him superpowers! It was incredible, and most of all, it allowed him to fight.80 years later, the serum was the very thing he was fighting against.
Relationships: Stucky, pepperony
Comments: 4
Kudos: 20





	Loss of Life

**Author's Note:**

> I have nothing to say for myself.
> 
> Also, Steve's body essentially falls apart in this fic. It may get kind of graphic, so if you are adverse to characters being in pain or written descriptions of injury, I suggest you not read this.

The day starts out fine. That's the worst part, actually. Days where everything felt fine when in truth, nothing is. Days like those are why Bucky Barnes doesn't get out of bed sometimes.

He gets up today, though, and it's honestly JARVIS' fault. JARVIS, who is a stickler for getting places on time, blares an alarm into his and Steve's room, waking them both. Steve sits up blearily to glare at Bucky, who glares right back until he realizes that the awful sound isn't Steve's fault.

"God, what!" Bucky shouts, throwing his forearm over his eyes. The alarm quiets, and JARVIS' smug voice comes overhead.

"Good morning, Sergeant Barnes and Captain Rogers. Dr. Banner is requesting your presence in his lab".

"Nnngh, fiiiiiiiiiiiine." Bucky groans, sitting up and flipping off the ceiling. Steve giggles, which makes getting up so damn early worth it. He briefly contemplates letting Steve wrap those big, muscular hands around his waist and squeezing, but decides against it.

They shower, eat, and head downstairs to Bruce's lab, both of them complaining when Bruce points to an exam table and says very pointedly "Strip.", writing down something on the clipboard in front of him. Steve goes first, with Bruce drawing blood and completing his physical. Then it's Bucky's turn, and he actually manages not to cry when Bruce does his exam, which is automatically a win. He's getting better at recognizing when he's actually in danger. Then, they do height and weight, and somehow, Bucky's put on a few pounds. 

"It's nothing to worry about." Bruce assures him. "Honestly, I'd be surprised if this didn't happen. I mean, you're physically like, 30, right? It's normal for the metabolism to slow when you get older. Plus, you haven't been as active for the past three months, so it's not really a surprise".

"Right. Do we have to do height?" Bucky hates the feeling of something being over him, but he allows it anyway. Bucky is satisfied when he turns away, smirking at his dependable 5'9" on Bruce's chart. Then Steve steps up as Bucky is pulling on his shirt, and all he can hear is Bruce's "Huh".

He doesn't know it yet, but months from now, that sound will haunt him, crawl into his mind and live in there, right next to the voice that screams "you could have done more".

"Huh?" That's not normally something you want to be hearing from your doctor, Bruce." Steve jokes, his stupid smile flashing over his face as he gives a small chuckle. Bruce's continued confusion has that smile disappearing sooner than normal. "Bruce, what?"

"You lost height." Bruce murmurs, and the second he says it, Bucky barks out a nervous laugh, quickly followed by several nervous giggles as he pushes his hair out of his face.

"What? You don't just 'lose height', that doesn't happen." Bucky gives another nervous titter, but Bruce doesn't respond to him at all, instead writing quickly on Steve's chart. Bucky tries again, his laughter fading and being replaced by true fear. "Right? That doesn't happen?"

"Buck, calm down. It's probably like what happened at the British embassy. Remember that? It'll be fine." Steve waves dismissively, laughing off his own nerves with the memory. "Besides, even if it's something serious, I'll probably be fine. I've got the serum, after all!"

"You know that saying about famous last words?" Bucky says, his own nerves calming a little. "Those sound an awful lot like famous last words".

If Bucky had known how right he was, he never would have said it.

They get through the rest of the day without incident. Steve has a bit of a headache, so they don't end up going out like Bucky wanted, but that's ok, because now he gets to kick Steve's butt at Mario Kart. Tasha and Clint come back from a mission, Tony ends up joining them for a movie when he comes down for food, and it's just generally a good day.

16 hours after they went down for their physical, Bruce calls them in a panic.

"You need to get down here, now." He sounds like he's about to cry, which, knowing Bruce, means whatever he found isn't good. Bucky feels a flash of panic before Steve takes his hand and squeezes lightly.

"It'll be fine, sugar. Ain't nothing ever happened to us that we couldn't get through".

"I'm still worried. I don't like seeing you hurt".

"Buck. Can you trust me?"

"Of course".

"Then trust my trust. I believe in Bruce, ok? I believe in this team. Ain't nothing got us yet, and I doubt this will be anything to remember come a few hours from now".

They step off the elevator into Bruce's lab, and whatever hope Steve had instilled in Bucky is gone at the sight of the normally composed scientist, now frazzled and muttering under his breath. Bucky has to let go of Steve's hand so he can climb on the exam table, joking about how "I feel like a prize pig!", and in that moment, Bucky gets a sinking feeling that something has changed. Call it intuition, call it instinct, call it being good at reading the room, but he knew something was wrong even before Bruce turned around and said those four awful words.

"You're losing the serum." Bruce says, dragging over a holographic screen that Bucky had noticed floating around. "I don't know how, but your body seems to be producing an antigen, some sort of biological reaction to it. It's literally eating the serum out of your body".

"How is that a bad thing?" Steve asks, but Bucky gets it, and suddenly he feels really sick. "It's not like it's leaving my body, right? It's not going anywhere".

"Steve. Your immune system has developed a counter-response to the serum. It thinks the serum is a parasite, or a virus. It's... for lack of a better word, it's killing the serum. And by proxy, killing you".

Bucky can see the exact moment it clicks for Steve because he suddenly goes very pale, and his hands twitch ever so slightly in his lap. He opens his mouth, then shuts it, fear tracing through his features slowly before it fades, then flares again in his eyes, and when he turns to Bucky, well, Bucky can't think of a time when he's seen Steve so afraid. It scares him, because Steve is normally unflappable, completely cool or completely reckless, and even when he is afraid, he can control his emotions. But that horrified look, that look of *Something is really wrong*, it hurts.

"Wait. Can-can you fix it?" Steve's voice goes an octave higher than normal, and that's when Bucky feels all his fear and anxiety punch him in the gut, swelling into nausea as he rushes for the sink in the back of Bruce's lab. His boyfriend, his stubborn, overly emotional boyfriend is afraid, really afraid. Bucky retches into the sink, thinking that when Bruce reveals that he can have a fix by the end of the week, he's going to look really stupid.

But then Bruce says, "I don't know" and Bucky can feel his soul leave his body momentarily before it comes crashing back down. He can hear Steve's almost silent gasp, can hear Bruce humming under his breath, can even hear his own pounding heart. Oh God, oh God, oh God, what is he going to do?

"I don't know." Bruce says again, but this time with an edge of confidence. "But I'm sure I can try. We'll figure something out, and maybe it'll fix itself. Remember the embassy incident? That fixed itself".

"Yeah..." Steve sounds less than confident, but by the time Bucky has finished throwing up, he looks fine, albeit a little pale. "Yeah. Thanks, Bruce".

On the way back to their floor, Steve leans heavily against Bucky, groaning a little. Bucky puts an arm around him, a soft "are you ok?" filling the space between them before vanishing.

"My headache's worse. I blame the stress of that whole interaction downstairs." Steve gives a wry chuckle, then glances up at Bucky. Fuck, he really did get shorter, how did Bucky not notice that? "Can you believe us? Getting all worked up like that when we live with some of the smartest people in the world?"

"I'm allowed to be worried." Bucky says, kissing the top of Steve's head, which surprisingly, annoys him. "Don't like being reminded that you're short now?"

"I'll get it all back in a few weeks, and then I'm going to rail you so hard you'll see stars." Steve flirts easily. Bucky laughs, pulling his boyfriend in closer.

Looking back, it's probably one of the last times he feels happy. That's the worst part; it started as a good day.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve goes to the lab pretty much every day for tests, and the next six days go by without much incident, though Steve does report an increase in the frequency of his headaches. It's nothing major, and Bucky actually starts to feel confident that this can be overcome, that Steve's going to be ok. He even starts planning a super important date for when Steve's all fixed up. Day seven rolls around, and Steve says that he actually does feel kind of sick, he stays in bed all day.

Day eight, and Steve's back to normal, peppy and perky and flirty as hell, doing sneak attacks on Bucky's sanity with the way he's purring and moaning dirty things into Bucky's ears.

"Wanna make you come in my mouth. Wanna drink you down, suck you dry, and when you can't give any more, I'll have your ass for dessert." Steve whispers huskily, and Bucky feels his knees going to jelly. "How's that sound, baby? Or would you rather just watch me?"

"Ok, stahp!" Bucky playfully shoves Steve to the side, but his smile curdles when Steve gives a small grunt and brings a hand up to his chest where Bucky shoved him. Steve winces slightly, then coughs sharply, the spasms of every cough pushing him to the floor. Bucky is at his side in an instant, helping him as he slowly sinks to the floor, coughing violently. When Steve can finally speak again, he's breathless and looks very tired, bringing a hand to his temple as he winces again.

"I'm... I'm ok, Bucky." Steve looks up, and Bucky gasps. There's blood on his forehead, but he wasn't injured, Bucky saw to that, so it must have come from his hand that touched his forehead, which means...

"Stevie, look at your hand." Bucky can't see straight anymore, tears are welling up. He can't believe he thought Steve would be ok.

Steve looks questioningly at his hand, then recoils in shock, a sharp gasp escaping him. Suddenly, his eyes are full of tears, and when he looks back at Bucky, the pure fear and shock in his eyes is enough to break Bucky's heart. Bucky nods in response to the silent question Steve was asking, then helps Steve to his feet. Nearly the second he gains his footing, he stumbles, leaning into Bucky as he coughs again, now clutching at his chest.

"Baby, listen to me. We're gonna go downstairs and see Bruce now, ok? We're gonna get in the elevator and go see Bruce, ok? You're gonna be fine, baby, I promise, doll, you're gonna be just fine." It's a blatant lie and Bucky knows it, but he's worried and if he doesn't keep talking he's going to lose his goddamn mind. Steve doesn't seem to register any of this, instead leaning on Bucky as they get in the elevator and go downstairs. The second the doors open on the lab, Bucky rushes forward, pulling Steve with him. "BRUCE!!"

Bruce turns around midsentence, having been in the middle of a conversation with Tony. Steve chooses that exact moment to cough a bunch of blood onto the floor and pass out, sending Bucky's heartrate through the roof.

"Oh my God." Bruce rushes forward, yelling at JARVIS to open the med bay for him. Part of the wall slides away to reveal the med bay, and within a few minutes, Bruce and Bucky have Steve situated in one of the beds. Steve has woken by this point and is still coughing violently, but all Bucky can think about is that he's not ok, he's not ok, Steve's not ok-

"Buck." Steve has taken his hand and is smiling patiently. "Stop thinking so damn loud. You're giving me a headache".

"Hey, you." Bucky tries to smile, but it comes out all wrong, and it must show on his face, because instantly Steve looks worried. Bucky corrects himself, leaning in and tapping his forehead to Steve's. He's going to be fine, he's gonna be fine, he has to be fine.

"Hey, you." Bucky tries again. Bruce is running calculations with Tony behind them, and Bucky can hear interjections of "He wouldn't survive that" and "That might work" and "How the fuck are we supposed to say this?", and Bucky knows, he just knows that they don't believe they can fix it. That's not going to stop them from trying, right?

"We have to try. There has to be something we can do!" Bruce says much louder than necessary. Tony waves Bucky over, then points at a sheet of paper with a bunch of numbers on it.

"You see this number? This one, right here? Yeah, that's the amount of white blood cells found in his blood stream normally." Tony waves off Bruce's obvious protests, pointing at another number. "This is how many white blood cells he has right now. See how much lower it is? And according to our findings, it's only going to get worse. We'll try our best, obviously, but you may want to make your peace with it. Even if we succeed, he isn't going back to normal".

"I can hear you, you know!" Steve says loudly. Tony nods, turning towards him. "I'm not an invalid, Tony, I'm fine".

"Baby... What if you're not?" Bucky fights to keep tears out of his eyes, because if they are going to have this talk, they really should-

Actually, no. Steve's probably going to be fine. He'll be fine, Bruce and Tony will figure it out and he'll be fine! He's not going to- He'll be fine. They can fix it, right?

"Right, so here's how this is going to go. We are putting you on meds, and Buckaroo is going to make sure you take them." Tony leans forward towards Bucky, winking in a very obvious manner. "The meds will boost your immune system, maybe buy you some time, but at the end of the day, fried is fried, ok? There's only so much we can do, and if we hit a threshold where the serum can't degrade any further, we'll tell you, but we aren't miracle workers. This would be easier if we knew more about the original serum, but... you do what you can, right?"

"So I'm..." Steve cuts off, almost seems to come to terms with it, as if it's an inevitability rather than a possibility. "Huh. I always thought I'd be more scared".

"Baby, what are you talking about? Bruce is going to fix you up, yeah? You're gonna be fine."

"Buck..." Steve takes his hand again, gives him a small smile, albeit a shaky one. "Bucky, it's ok. We knew this had to happen sometime, right?"

"I won't hear this." Bucky says sharply, turning away. "You're going to be fine. You have to be fine".

*Because if you're not*, Bucky thinks, *where does that leave me?*

But he doesn't say it out loud, and when Bruce sends him back upstairs to get some sleep, all he can think is, *This can't be happening*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Steve is allowed to come back upstairs a few days after the blood incident, and he spends most days on his computer, doing work on a project Bucky isn't supposed to know about. Bucky knows Steve is trying to get his affairs in order, and for some inexplicable reason, that pisses him off, mostly because he's been planning a project of his own and Steve's loss of hope keeps killing his motivation. He spends the better part of two weeks sulking before something Cint says hits the nail on the head.

They're all playing Mario Kart together, him and Tasha and Clint and Steve, when Steve gets one of his headaches, one of the bad ones. Since Tony and Bruce came up with those meds, they've been getting worse, and they'll typically last all day, too. Bucky notices when Steve drops his controller, his shoulders hunching together as he leans forward, moaning.

"Buck..." Steve leans heavily into Bucky the way he always does, his breathing changing from slow and even to sharp and quick. Bucky helps him to his feet, helps him to bed, muttering about the goddamn meds the whole time.

"They said they'd have at least something by now!" Bucky cries out as Steve dismisses the headaches for the millionth time. "You're obviously in pain, baby, and they should be doing something about it!"

"They are doing something about it, sugar. Be patient." Steve's hand, slim but muscular, slides around Bucky's wrist, taking it into his lap.

"I'm tired of bein' patient. I want you to be better!"

"Baby, not so loud. And I want to be better too, but that might not happen-"

"Shut up!" Bucky says louder than he needs to, pulling his hand out of Steve's reach. "Why are you giving up so quickly! What am I doing wrong that you don't want to stay!!!"

Steve looks hurt, and Bucky feels bad for that, but he's so pissed right now, he can't even think straight. He mutters that he's going to get Steve some water, but almost the second he gets to the kitchen, he punches the counter, giving out a ragged yell. Tasha raises her eyebrows, but Clint laughs, pissing Bucky off more.

"You think this is funny?"

"Yes. I mean, clearly, you don't, but I think it's hilarious".

"Oh? Why's that?"

"Well, it's cuz you think he's gonna-".

"He's NOT." Bucky mutters, then punches the counter again. "He's not! He's given up on himself because of what Tony said, but he's going to be fine! Or he will be if they stop moving so damn slow!"

"Hey, I feel ya." Clint raises his hands in a form of surrender, then swears when Tasha pushes him off a cliff in Mario Kart. "What the fuck, Nat!!!! Why would you do that!"

"This is Tony's fault. Or Bruce's. If they had never suggested the meds, he'd be fine. He only started getting worse after he took them!"

Bucky logically knows that's not true, but he's just so pissed off that he can't help it. It doesn't feel any better, trying to blame somebody, but it does give his next counter punch some more 'oomf'. Clint laughs again, then throws his controller across the room.

"Goddamnit, Tash! I'm trying to talk to someone, don't fucking un-pause the game!" Clint scowls at her, then picks up the controller. Tasha is silent, and Clint just growls. "It's like you're trying to piss me off!"

That hits a little to close to home for Bucky, so he goes back with Steve's water, finding him reading a book under the covers of their bed. He still feels really angry, but he does manage to remain calm when Steve takes the water and says "So, about the will and the funeral and all that..."

"Jesus, Stevie, this shit! Really?" Bucky turns away, hoping the cold shoulder will shock him out of it. "I mean, you're gonna be fine! Bruce said they could whip something up, and they can! Why are you giving up!"

He's shouting now. He's not supposed to be shouting. Shouting is bad for Steve's headaches.

"I'm not giving up, I'm just planning for every outcome." Steve says quietly, again taking Bucky's hand into his own slender one. "I do want to live, Bucky. I do want this. But it's ok, really, if I don't make it. I've made my peace with it, it had to happen sometime".

"Why are you letting it happen now!" Bucky shouts, standing. "I'm trying to help, Stevie, and you just sit there and say 'it's ok', but it's not! It's not ok! You're going to leave me here and you're fine with that, more than fine! YOU DON'T EVEN CARE IF YOU-"

Bucky cuts off with a choked sob. He can't say it. He can't make it real.

Steve hums and pats the bed next to him, and Bucky sits down, crying as he crawls into Steve's arms, tears staining the fabric of his shirt. Steve just sits there, stroking his back, holding him as he cries and blubbers about how he wants Steve to stay. Steve assures him he's not going anywhere, not yet, and Bucky apologizes for flipping out and just generally being an asshole. He's supposed to have things together by now, held together for Steve. He can't fall apart. Not now.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Over the next few months, Steve's condition worsens. He goes from the occasional migraine and coughing fit to fatigue, difficulty breathing, and constant headaches, to not even being able to get out of bed, he's so sick. By this point, he's lost a considerable amount of weight, he's sickly and pale, and Bucky has had to calm him down after many nights of pain waking him. He complains that his body feels heavy and sluggish, and that he's never hungry, but he hardly eats, and he's getting scrawnier by the day. Bucky does his best to take care of Steve, but he can't do much, and he's cried himself to sleep more times than he'll bother to count.

Bruce finally puts his foot down and says Steve will have to be transferred to the med bay when Bucky asks for a wheelchair so Steve can get to and from his medical exams. Bucky has agreed to help move Steve in, but when the day arrives, Steve is feeling much weaker than normal and can hardly move. So Sam helps, dragging things around with Bucky.

"I can't lose him." Bucky is saying to Sam. "I just can't. It would kill me".

"Well, what about a counter agent from your serum?" Sam suggests, shrugging mildly. "I mean, that could work, right?"

"I..." Bucky freezes, whatever box in his hands suddenly not nearly as heavy as it was two seconds ago. "I don't know... I'll have to ask!"

Bucky bounces in the elevator, excitement coursing through him. He had forgotten about his serum, and now it could prove instrumental to Steve getting better. They had been scrambling for a solution, but it may have been under their noses the whole time! The doors open, and he bounces forward, blabbering about Sam's idea and how they might make it work, and they can fix Steve and-

"Won't work." Tony dismisses Bucky mid-sentence, irking him. "Your serum is genetically tailored to you. It wouldn't work for him, even if we could replicate it".

"But... what about a transfusion! Put my blood in his body? Would that-"

"Nope." Tony shakes his head. Sam steps forward, opening his mouth to say something, and Tony cuts him off too. "And we considered a bone marrow transplant. They're completely non-compatible".

"There has to be something you can do!" Bucky and Sam say at the same time.

"What about reverse-engineering my serum?" Bucky asks.

"What about figuring out what the hell happened to Bruce?" Sam cries.

"Or Tasha, she has something similar to me! And it's universal!"

"Tried that, tried that, and tried that." Tony sighs, pulling his hand down his face. "Listen, they're brilliant ideas, but they just aren't working. I said we'd tell you if we hit anything, but I also said there's a time when fried is fried. And his immune system... it's looking pretty fried".

"There has to be something." Bucky whispers, sinking to the floor. "There has to be something".

"I'll let you know, ok? But right now we got nothing." Tony sighs, then glares at the boxes on the floor. "Now, is this everything? I want to get him hooked up by the end of today".

Bucky has to head back upstairs, thinking about how there must be something. He gets to Steve's room and kicks a small package with Tasha's handwriting; *Found this outside. Has your name on it, Yasha*. Bucky stares at it, glowering, before he picks it up. He knows exactly what it is, and he has to hide it until Bruce can figure something out. He'll do anything at this point, anything to make sure Steve would be ok. He'd even-

A dark feeling swallows his heart, and then passes just as quickly. It scares him, how quickly he discovered this, how quickly he knew he would gladly give his own life if Steve would be ok. He shakes it off, but doesn't let go off the thought completely. Could there be a way?

"I'm not sure if I want to know what you're thinking, but it's clear we need to talk." Steve coughs weakly, trying his best to glare at Bucky. Bucky gives a weak smile, then sits on the edge of the bed, lightly stroking Steve's cheek. Steve leans into the touch, humming quietly as Bucky embraces him. "Buck, tell me".

"It's just..." Bucky balks. How do you tell someone that you feel guilty that you're healthy, that you would gladly trade your life for theirs, that in a heartbeat you would kill yourself if they got to live? "I was talking with Sam, and he mentioned my serum, and... I spoke with Tony. He said it wouldn't work".

"What wouldn't work?"

"Everything." Bucky sighs again, then lies next to Steve. "Nothing is working, and I hate it. I feel bad, I feel like I should be doing more".

"You're doing all you can, sugar. There's only so much anyone can do".

"I..." Bucky doesn't know why he says it, but he does. "I'd kill myself if it meant you got better. I'd give you my life if I could".

"Buck!" Steve sits up, then immediately lies back down, coughing harshly. Bucky is upright in seconds, rubbing Steve's back, holding him close, but Steve pushes him away. "Bucky, how... how could you say something like that? How could you-"

More coughing cuts him off, and then he starts gasping, fighting for breath like when they were kids and he'd have an asthma attack. Bucky guides him through it, rubbing his back and reminding him to breath, and when the gasping tapers off, he starts crying. Bucky thinks it's from the pain until he very quietly gasps "I don't want your life. I want you to keep living".

"Oh. Stevie.."

"No, listen to me." Steve's voice is sharp, harsh and cold with anger. "I mean it, ok? I don't care if Tony invents a machine that can make it possible or the devil himself tries to buy your soul, I don't want your life. I don't care, ok? I don't care how badly you want me to be ok, I want you alive! We don't trade lives, Bucky, not for anything".

"I can't lose you again." Bucky whimpers, pulling Steve's hand to his face and gently kissing his knuckles. "I can't, doll, not again".

"Baby, I know." Steve whispers, his eyelids fluttering against the pull of sleep. He gets tired so easily now, and it's only supposed to get worse from here. Bucky gently kisses his boyfriend's forehead, then picks him up and carries him downstairs to the lab. Bruce and Tony do a wonderful job of keeping him comfortable while they stick an IV in and set up a vitals monitor, and when Steve falls back asleep, Bucky goes upstairs and sits in their room and cries. It's the first night since he got to the tower that he's sleeping alone on their floor, and when nightmares wake him and he reaches for Steve, all he grasps is empty air.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"He's been sleeping for longer periods. I... I don't think we're going to hit a threshold, Bucky." Bruce says quietly, not looking the brunet in the eye. Not that he could, Bucky's been staring at the floor ever since he got here. Bruce clears his throat, then shuffles nervously. "I'm... I'm going to let you have some time with him, ok?"

Bucky doesn't say anything. He doesn't think he can. Sometime last month he woke up and just... stopped speaking. He hasn't said anything in three weeks, and he doesn't know if he even can. Not around other people, at least. He can talk to Steve, but even that hurts, and he knows that the disuse has made his voice hoarse and scratchy.

"Buck..ee?" Steve's voice is weak, but Bucky instantly looks up, a smile of relief pushing his mouth into an unfamiliar shape. Bucky reaches out and cups Steve's face, running his thumb across Steve's cheek.

"Hey, you." Bucky's voice is harsh and rasping, but his movements are gentle and soft. Steve's hearing was all but gone two days after he moved to the lab, but his eyesight is still ok, so he can see everything Bucky's doing. "How you feeling, baby?"

"Bucky..." Steve leans into the touch, coughing weakly as tears drip from his eyes. "Bucky, I saw Ma".

Bucky nods slowly. This is also a more recent occurrence, Steve having dreams about his ma. Sarah Rogers was one of the most patient people on this planet, and Bucky knew how bad it wrecked Steve when she died. He started having the dreams about a month ago, maybe a week or so after they moved him downstairs. Bucky had been so scared at first, had thought that the dreams meant Steve was finally going to leave him. But when nothing major happened, Bucky figured it was just another thing on the list, the list of weird shit that was happening.

"Is that so, doll? What did she tell you?" Bucky's hand moves down, down to Steve's, his thumb padding across Steve's ring finger. He has the box in his pocket, has had it with him ever since he stopped talking altogether, but he can't seem to make himself ask.

"Bucky, I saw her. I saw my Ma, and she said... she said it was time to come home, Bucky." Steve licks his lips absently. "Can I have some water?"

"Of course, sweetheart." Bucky tries not to focus on what Steve just said. 'Time to come home'? That's a new one, and it's terrifying. He's not ready, he's not ready at all, he hasn't even told Steve about the box in his pocket. Bucky just focuses on the water, focuses on helping his baby, focuses on now...

A sharp beeping cuts off his train of thought, and he drops the water as he turns around, staring in horror at Steve's bed. He hears the sound of footsteps, feels Bruce shove him aside, hears Tony shout "He's not breathing!" and then somebody is pulling him backwards and the curtain around Steve's area is pulled closed, and he can't see anything.

"марш[march]." Bucky marches, obeying the voice even though he doesn't know what he's doing. If Steve- If he doesn't- If that was it, he doesn't even get to say goodbye? He doesn't even get to be there when-"Сидеть[Sit]".

Bucky sits, and his living room swims into view, including that stupid glass coffee table that Steve insisted on getting... Steve...

Bucky becomes aware of a sharp, rattling hiccup sound, and a few seconds later he realizes it's him, he's crying, has been for a solid minute if the pounding in his head is anything to go off of. Tasha sits in front of him, setting down a glass and pouring something clear into her own. The sharp scent of alcohol reveals it's vodka, and when Tasha sets the bottle just out of his reach, he leans forward, intending to pour himself a drink. Tasha moves the bottle away, earning her a sharp glare.

"Используйте свои слова, Джеймс[Use your words, James]." Tasha says sharply, draining her drink and pouring another.

"Use your English, Tasha." Bucky snipes back, snatching the bottle off the table and, foregoing the glass in front of him, taking a long drink. The alcohol burns going down, but compared to the nothingness he's been feeling every day for the past month, it's a pleasant sensation.

"He speaks!" Tasha snarks, then holds her hand out for the bottle. "There's a reason I gave you a glass".

"I know. It's why I'm not using it." Bucky takes another drink, then hands the bottle over. "What proof is that?"

"125. The point is to calm your nerves, James".

"At 125? The point is most definitely to get wasted." Bucky leans forward, making a grabbing motion. "Gimme the vodka, Tasha".

Tasha raises an eyebrow, then gives him the vodka, which he completely drains. Tasha gets up and grabs another bottle, sitting next to him this time as she pops the lid, pours herself a drink, then hands the bottle over. Bucky very pointedly ignore the little voice in his head that's screaming he should be doing this, opting instead to get as drunk as possible.

By the fourth bottle, Bucky is buzzed and well on his way to drunk. Tasha stopped splitting with him a bottle and a half ago, but he still pours her the first drink before throwing back his head and chugging as much as he can. When his lips break contact with the rim, he starts rambling about how he's a horrible boyfriend for getting wasted when he should be with Steve, how he'd still do anything to make Steve healthy again, how he's sick of not being able to speak to anyone, how he just wants everything to stop for an hour, a minute, a second, anything just so he can get his bearings. He's in the middle of crying about how helpless he feels when the bottle runs dry, and after staring at it for a second he just drops it, standing to get a new one.

Almost instantly, he's back on the couch, dizzy as hell and slurring heavily as he protests the floor jumping around. Tasha helps him stand, but instead of guiding him to the wine cabinet, she steers him towards his room, quietly cursing in Russian.

"I think you've had enough. I knew 125 was too high for you".

"Noooooo, Tashaaaa!" Bucky whines, leaning against her. "Tasha, please. I like feeling, I'm tired of being numb".

His head is spinning like crazy, and as Tasha guides him to bed, he whines again. It might not be good for him, but feeling something, anything, is better than the numbness he's going to wake up with tomorrow.

"Tasha, I can't do this anymore." Bucky hiccups, tears cooling his flushed face. He's swaying heavily, and as Tasha sits him down on the bed, he sobs loudly. "Tasha, I can't keep doing this! I can't, not anymore! I can't live with this, I just want it to stop!"

Tasha pushes a glass if some clear liquid under his nose, but he turns away, collapsing on the bed and sobbing uncontrollably.

"Пей, Джеймс. Это просто вода[Drink, James. It's just water]".

"Noooo. Don't wanna." Bucky lies there, hiccuping loudly. "I'm gonna sit here until I throw up and choke on it and-"

Tasha throws the water in his face, making him sit up quickly. Too quickly, the world spins around him.

"Tasha!"

"James. You are going to drink the water, then you are going to sleep on your side. I will go check on Steven, do you understand?"

Guilt floods Bucky, and he's yanked back to reality. Steve's still sick, he's still worried, and nothing has changed except for the fact that he's drunk. God, he's an asshole. He really got wasted while his boyfriend was wasting away in another part of the Tower.

"I'm the worst." Bucky hiccups again, tears springing up anew. "God, I'm such an asshole".

As Bucky buries his face in his hands, Tasha sits next to him, rubbing his back slowly as she makes him drink some water. Quietly, she tells him to get changed for bed, which he does, then lays down on his side and cries himself to sleep.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Hey, you." Bucky sits down next to Steve's bed, the monitors next to him beeping quietly. Steve doesn't respond, and Bucky's not even sure he's awake. "I, uh, I brought you something. Just a little somethin' to cheer you up".

Steve still doesn't respond, and Bucky goes ahead, taking the box out of his pocket. He hasn't even opened it, for all he knows it could be empty, but when he cracks it open and sees the glint of metal, he relaxes, propping the lid up and turning the ring towards Steve.

"I didn't get it here in time, baby. I wanted you to be healthy when I proposed, and I thought that this was going to blow over. I guess I was wrong." Bucky takes a shaky breath, then continues. "I love you, baby, you know that. We both do, but there were some things I wanted to say to you, and I didn't. So I'm saying them now".

No response; that's ok. Bucky's not sure he'll ever get one again.

"Steven Grant Rogers, I have loved you two goddamn lifetimes. I have loved you to the ends of the earth, to the edge of death, to the point of breaking. I have loved you and will always love you." Bucky lets a few tears spill over, then asks his question. "Stevie, will you marry me?"

"If I say yes, will you stop cryin'?" Steve mutters, and Bucky looks up to see the frail blond smiling at him. "I mean, I'm gonna say yes either way..."

"Oh, baby." Bucky pulls Steve into an awkward hug. "Baby, I missed you. I love you, doll, for ever and always".

Bucky slips the ring onto Steve's slender, delicate hand. It's too big, a sign of how sick he is, of how fragile he is, and Bucky tries his best not to cry.

"I know." Steve says quietly, holding Bucky tighter. "Bucky, I'm scared. I don't wanna die".

"I know baby, I know." Bucky whispers, salty tears staining his face. "It's ok baby, I'm right here. Nothing's gonna hurt you, promise".

Bucky lays Steve back down, watches as Steve slowly falls back asleep, the numbers on the monitor getting lower and lower until they're just barely where they need to be. And Bucky knows, he knows that this is it. This is the moment where he has to say goodbye.

"It's ok, Stevie." Bucky whispers, kissing the blond's forehead. "You can go now. I won't stop you".

It's as if Steve was waiting for Bucky's permission, because as soon as he says it, Steve gives a soft sigh and the monitor starts beeping insistently as his body relaxes. Bucky gives his boyfriend one last kiss goodbye, and at that moment, Tony bursts in.

"We might have something! If we just-" Bucky cuts Tony off with a shake of his head.

"He's gone." Bucky says softly, his voice cracking and with that he breaks down, tears flowing freely as he sobs, folding in on himself.

"Oh." Tony says softly. Very slowly, he sits next to Bucky, giving him a hug and crying a bit himself. "I'm sorry, Bucky. I know what he meant to you".

"He's gone. He's gone, and I'll never see him again." Bucky says thickly. Tony nods, pulling Bucky closer.

"I'm sorry we couldn't do more. I know we said we had something, but honestly, it was probably better this way. He was really sick, Bucky, and he wasn't getting better. You had to know that".

"I know. I just... I didn't want to believe it was real".

"You know, we'll make sure that he's buried properly, ok? I know when you were a kid, headstones were a bit of a luxury, but we'll make sure he's buried right. Did he have a will?"

"Yeah, he... He got all that settled when you guys first found out".

"Ok. I'm going to go get Bruce, if he's not already on his way, and I'm going to let him know what happened. You can have a minute to say goodbye, if you want, but then we need to meet downstairs to talk about what happens next".

"Yeah, ok." Bucky says, and lets himself be guided from the room.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's one of those rare days where everyone's in the Tower, and Bucky's actually grateful for it, because he doesn't have to say it more than once. Everybody is sympathetic, of course, but Bucky honestly feels like he's finally come to terms with what was happening the whole time; his boyfriend was dying, and now that he's dead, all the turmoil inside Bucky feels settled, as if all his grief has run its course. They talk in terms of the funeral and whether or not he should be buried with the flag, how they are going to handle the press going forward, even the process of him being buried with the ring. Bucky does cry a few more times when they start talking about things like cremation, or open casket versus closed casket, but overall he's very calm.

That, more than anything, is what surprises him. He's still sad, in fact he's devastated, but it doesn't feel uncontrollable. He feels like he can handle this, this immense and crashing weight of despair, but more than anything he feels calm. He thinks that, on some level, he knew this would be the end result. That this was where he was going to end up, where they both were going to end up. Maybe that's why he got so mad, so desperate, when Steve started acting like there was no other option. He was running from his feelings, and now that he's finally met them, he feels much less shaken.

The funeral is planned and set for two weeks from Steve's date of death, and Bucky throws himself into work, but still takes breaks when he feels overwhelmed. His nightmares get worse, but he expected that, and he has Tasha and Sam on stand-by for his really bad nights. And at the funeral, he manages to not collapse completely when they deliver the eulogy. He's crying all through the ceremony, but he doesn't give up. In fact, if anything, all he can think of is how Steve told him "I don't want your life". He finally understands what that means, why Steve was so calm in the face of death; he was consoled in the thought that Bucky was going to be ok.

That doesn't mean much to Bucky, obviously, but it helps a little, and over the next six months, he slowly starts to heal. It still hurts when he wakes up from a nightmare and there's no one there to hold him, and it still hurts when he says some inside joke that would have Steve pissing himself and no one responds, but he's getting better.

The Fourth of July is especially rough, but the team helps him through it with tissues, chocolate, and a considerable amount of alcohol. The next morning, Bucky wakes up with a splitting headache and a tightness in his chest, which he of course blames on the alcohol. He showers, shaves, and heads out to the common room for breakfast.

"Good morning, people who drank too much last night." Bucky says cheerily. Tasha groans loudly, Bruce chuckles, and Tony just glares at him.

"Good morning, prude." Clint snarks, which gets Bucky to raise an eyebrow. "You hardly drank anything last night. Kept going on about how you wanted to be sober for the fireworks".

"That I did." Bucky frowns. His head is killing him, but he's not hungover? Weird. "My head's really bugging me, so I thought maybe I was hungover".

"You did mention feeling kind of sick. Might have something to do with why you look so skinny".

Bucky turns and gives Clint a look. Clint just stares back blankly.

"Dude, normally you're buff as hell, but you've been losing muscle lately. Like, it's kinda hard to tell, but you have".

"Huh. Weird." Bucky turns back to the fridge and reaches for a slice of cake when the tightness in his chest suddenly squeezes and he coughs sharply, hacking into his closed fist as his legs starts shaking. He doesn't feel so good...

"Whoa, Bucky!" Bucky feels something wet and warm land on his hand, and as he gasps for breath, he sees a flash of red where his hand is supposed to be. further inspection reveals that the side of his hand is covered in blood, and a sinking feeling in his stomach has him realizing what's wrong. Of course, it makes sense now. He hasn't been feeling well because- because-

"Holy shit! Is that blood?" Clint is dragging Bucky to his feet, walking him to the couch. Bucky nods, a little dizzy. No wonder his head hurt so bad.

"My serum's degrading".

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, I made myself cry with this! But I'm still not sorry cuz I'm just like that!
> 
> Also, bonus points to the first person who can figure out the significance behind the character interactions in parts two through 6!


End file.
